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I cant sleep. I cant study. I must write. Itrsquo;s the only thing that feels right. Im changing my major. Fuck biology. Clearly im more passionate about writing. Ill find something with that. I feel like a failure. Idk how to tell my parents. My dad still swears that im going to become a lawyer. Idk what I want. Idk what anyone wants from me. I have no idea what im doing here. I havenrsquo;t the slightest clue why im breathing. Why must I be a part of this ldquo;existencerdquo;? my head constantly hurts from everything being cramped up. Right now, I swear its going to explode. I have so much on my mind, its unbearable. Wouldnt it be nice if I could get some rest? ahh, to fall asleep listening to sweet, sweet lullabies. To have someone to sing to me. I love when people sing to me. It doesnrsquo;t matter how good or bad they are. It just makes me feel like they trust me. Because there are few people I sing in front of. Few people that I know wont criticize me because I know they know its not about how well I sing.

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It would be nice to find someone. Anyone. But someone who appreciated me. Someone who wouldnrsquo;t jusge me. Someone who didnrsquo;t care what I look like. Someone who saw past all my bullshit and really knew me. Without me even having to explain. I want someone who understand how I am. Not necessarily why I am, just how or what. Im afraid why would be getting too deep, too heavy, for someone. I wouldnrsquo;t want to put my burden on someone else. Idk if ill ever find someone who fits this. But if and when I do, the problem is would they want me to. And really want me. Would they be willing to fall just as hard as ive fallen for them. Thatrsquo;s what I need. Im much to fragile to be toyed with. And on top of that, im much to jealous of a person to be willing to share someone I felt so strongly about. Ya.. Ive definitely had my issues with jealousy. Sometimes I just look at a girl and instantly get jealous. Of nothing. Girls ive never met. Its ridiculous. Its such the woman in me. Ugh I hate estrogen. Haha look at me now. Thanks to estrogen in sitting in bed contemplating life and my current situation at 2:30 in the morning. Im shaking. My hands are having difficulty hitting the proper keys.

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im tired of feeling. Im sick of constantly getting crushed. I only get lifted up to be further pressed to the bottom of the black, endless pit. Each fall just hit me that much harder. And lately, its been a well. And when I fall, I cant breathe. Its as though im drowning. Sadly, I never ask to be lifted. Because all I know is falling. And I just wish they could let me lie here. And just be. Im so sick of having such a mutilated heart. My heart is too heavy, it feels too much. The scar tissue must be unbelievable. No one has ever broken it. I break it myself. To save others from that guilt. I do it every time. I never let someone feel bad for hurting me. I put everything on myself. And yes, itrsquo;s a major fault. I need something to take my place, for I am retiring myself. My mind, body, and soul have been in overdrive for so long. Its time to give them a rest. Theyrsquo;ve been so overworked its not even funny. Especially lately.

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ready, this is whats been going on in my life.

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I broke up with spencer in early august. I fell out of love with him, thought hes my best friend who know little about me. But thatrsquo;s fine, because I know he truly cares about me. The, I met mat later in the month. Hes a completely selfish asshole. Which is what I need to be. But it was fun while it lasted. I knew from the moment I met him we were going to be good for each other. But it was nice using him to help me on my way getting over spencer. Just because im no longer in love with him, doesnrsquo;t mean I donrsquo;t still love him. Hes an amazing person. And im done keeping him to myself. Hell find someone who appreciates him more than I do. So I started talking to ryan again somewhere in between. Oh actually, found out his real name is Jordan. Ahh, funny stuff. But yep. It was over a year and� ahalf. God, it was torture. I used those months and months to get over him, to realize it� all wasnrsquo;t� real. But in doing so, all I found was that it was. Everything that truly mattered to me was real. He was the first person to take me in and love me. And really truly love me. Oh, how I miss him. How I miss the way things were. But its better now. He seems to be doing well. Now I just have to get out of this rut. But I cant. I donrsquo;t want to. Im still wanting and waiting for my someday. And I know its not coming. Hes all I want. He all I need. Everything. Hes all I want. Hes all I need. Everything. How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? would you tell me how could it be any better than this?� its been nice though. Somewhat satisfying. As much as im going to get out of this. But I donrsquo;t want to be his burden any longer. Id like for him to just forget about my feelings. And just live. Its what he always to me to do. Live for myself. And I need him to do the same. Idk what I want from him. Im content with how things have been going. But is that how its always going to be? im still in love with him. In many ways. In every way.

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just when I thought I met someone new, it turns out he might have the same problem? but completely different. But im not sure. Idk what he means when he says he has nothgin to offer me. As far as I see it, no one has anything to offer me. Just friendship. Which is more than I can ask for. But still. Offer me what? what could someone not have to offer? isnrsquo;t that up to me to decide? just because someone doesnrsquo;t want to get involved, doesnrsquo;t mean I donrsquo;t see something in them that could possibly encourage me to get involved. Im easy to please. I think I know what im looking for. And I thought I found something somewhat close. But maybe not. Maybe its just another illusion. Maybe hes just another toy in my game. Its not a game though. Thatrsquo;s just the beginning. Finding out how to play. Then� finishing and maintaining what you got out of it and expaning it.� existing. Being. Living.

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